Sounds Like A You Problem: Reining In Empathy

You feel it: A sinking feeling in your gut. An overwhelming sense of sadness. Sheer panic.

I’ve felt all of these completely natural feelings in response to all sorts of reasonable triggers. As an empathic person, I have also experienced these emotions when someone I care about is feeling them.

Sometimes that empathy can help those around me feel understood and cared for, but not always. When my empathy is out of balance, instead of creating a caring environment and being helpful, I become another person who needs support.

If you find that the emotions of others eclipse your own feelings, you may be harming yourself and not helping others. Reining in empathy is crucial to maintaining your emotional well-being and genuinely supporting others.

Why is it important to rein in empathy?

Experiencing someone else’s emotions to a deep level can disable you and prevent your ability to help. For example, if your heart starts racing and your body launches into a fight-or-flight reaction because someone you care about is having a panic attack, you cannot provide the calm support they need.

Absorbing other people’s challenging emotions can also be detrimental to your emotional health. You can become so wrapped up in how you believe other people are feeling that you cannot distinguish your own emotions from theirs. Before you attempt to support others, it is vitally important to identify how you feel in a given situation and how that situation is impacting you.

What are empathy assumptions?

To be clear-headed and helpful, keep assumptions about emotions at bay. Empathy can be a response to what you believe another person is feeling rather than their true emotions.

How do we know how someone else feels? We may believe we are feeling how they feel when, in reality, we are experiencing the emotions we think we would have in a similar situation. Even when someone tells us how they feel, our interpretation of that emotion may be unique from how they actually experience it.

Assuming how someone else is feeling may backfire and make that person feel misunderstood. Instead, ask how you can help. If they can articulate what would help, they may be able to tell you if they want comfort or advice. And be prepared for an empathic person’s nightmare: they might want space. The best way to find out how you can help is to simply ask first.

How do I rein in my empathy?

When I feel overwhelmed by the emotions of those around me, I like to remind myself of three things:

1. Ask, don’t assume; ask them how they feel and what you can do to help.

2. These feelings belong to them, not you; ask yourself whose emotions you are experiencing.

3. Put on your oxygen mask before helping others; remind yourself that you are not helpful if you allow empathy to disable you.

That sounds like a you problem

Usually, when someone says, “That sounds like a you problem,” it is not meant to be helpful! However, this is how I remind myself not to let empathy take over. I think, “This is a them problem.” Once I clarify that it’s their issue and not mine, I can focus on what they need: a calm, level-headed listener. A person who can provide help or advice when asked without offering unsolicited solutions. A caring, loving person who can take care of myself and others instead of another person who needs help.

To learn about balancing sympathy and empathy, read A Battle of the 'Pathies: Empathy Vs. Sympathy.

If you would like to work on empathy imbalance or other goals, contact me for a complimentary 15-minute consultation to see if coaching can help you achieve your goals.