A Battle of the 'Pathies: Empathy Versus Sympathy

Empathy is typically considered a positive personality trait. But what happens when empathy is out of control? We notice when people do not show empathy for others. Comparisons pitting empathy against sympathy frequently claim that empathy wins over sympathy. Some claim sympathy is pity, while empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.

When I pit the two against each other, I come down to my usual two answers: “it depends” and “everything in balance.”

Should you find ways to be more empathic?

It depends.

If you find it difficult to understand why someone would feel or act in a particular way, putting yourself in their shoes could help you find ways to compromise. When you try to see a situation from someone else’s perspective, you can more effectively handle uncomfortable or vicious confrontations and are less likely to invoke anger. Pause before you jump to, “That’s stupid,” or “You’re clearly wrong,” even if that’s what first comes into your mind.

However, if you feel other people’s feelings to the extent that you are overwhelmed and not helpful to others, you may find that you need to moderate your empathy a bit. When you live in someone else’s shoes all the time, you can forget what it feels like to wear your own. You may also find that you can assist others more effectively when you have not absorbed their emotions.

Everything in Balance

Balancing empathy and sympathy is a worthwhile endeavor. When your empathy/sympathy scale is too heavy on the sympathy side, the person you want to help may feel pitied rather than understood. My husband won’t allow me to say, “I’m sorry,” for example, when something bad happens to him. He asks that I say, “Good times,” instead. To him, this means I understand his situation, but I don’t feel sorry for him.

When the scale tips too far to the side of empathy, you may find that not only are you limiting your ability to be helpful, but you may also be harming the person you want to help. You could be hurting yourself, too. When empathy takes over, you can become so absorbed in someone else’s feelings that you become too sad, overwhelmed, or anxious to think clearly. And if those feelings take over your own feelings, then you are harming yourself. Read This Is A You Problem: Reining in Empathy to learn how to manage empathy overload.

Do you have trouble balancing between sympathy and empathy? Coaching can help. Set up a complimentary coaching session to see if Deb O’Connor Coaching is right for you.